I’m in a really happy place—a really scary place, but a really happy place.
My body has been mostly functional lately. Every few days I get extremely tired and just need to crash, but for the most part I’m a pretty functioning person.
Pain has been pretty low. Which is a gift. I’ve had few days where the contracture has been bad, and cramping has been bad, but for the most part I’ve been in the clear. I’m really thankful. I don’t think I could say that enough.
The worst part has been the nausea. I can’t eat anymore. At least without overwhelming nausea, stomach pain, and all that goes along with it. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I look damn adorable in my clothes though. Haha.
I’m happy— I’ve met someone who for once in my life does not make me feel like I have to compromise myself at all to be with them, but instead makes me feel like I’ve expanded myself.
We all have three parts of our heart—ourselves, our best friends, and the person that we eventually love. I know there is that cliche crap about two, but I think there is three.
I finally found myself. I love politics. I want to write health care policy. I want to change lives. I have this blog. I am an incredibly driven person. No matter how sick I am I know every day is a beautiful gift given to us. It’s amazing. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what I need. I also realize that can change and that it is allowed to change. I found my third.
Not everyone has, but I think that’s one of the first steps.
I also found the third that fills best friends. I have Pita and I have Kelly. They are my family (that are not related). These two women have my back and I can be my complete and utter self around them. I can be crazy, normal, bad mood, good mood, happy, sad, wild, weird, smart, stupid, and I can tell them like it is. I do not under any circumstance have to pretend to be someone else. These are the people who will be in my wedding, who will be there when I’m dying.
They are my rocks.
And then, though I thought in the past I had found pretty cool people in my life, I never found someone who expanded me, and made me feel whole. And I think now I have. In the same way I made myself feel whole, and in the same way Pita and Kelly do.
I think it was all timing.
I finally am in a place in my life where I can accept certain things. I know who I am and what I want. I know what I will and won’t, most importantly won’t, do.
You need to figure out yourself before you can let other people in. I think that’s extremely important.
And now my whole life is coming together. I’m a little terrified. New ground is scary—what does it mean? What am I going to do? With every new adventure there is one huge risk— failure. It’s exciting (I could squeal with excitement). I am such a driven person, and I am such an optimistic and high-seeking person, but failing scares me. Letting people down scares me.
To bring it all around— I think that is why this disease stinks some times. No matter how smart I am. No matter how much love and drive and passion I have in here (points to heart), sometimes my body will get in the way…
Sometimes, I almost die.
Sometimes, I get stuck in bed screaming bloody murder from the pain.
But, life is something we only live once, so we’ve got to push past it and do something, anything, because this is ALL we have.
This is why I choose to live. This is why I choose to put my body through hell. Because I want to live.
Sorry, I haven’t updated much lately. I’ve been REALLY busy. But I love you all and as soon as November gets here I will update weekly.