Relief
Okay- So I’ll admit it. When I had my surgery I was terrified.
Not just a little scared but stayed-up-all-night-toss-and-turn-petrified. I was not terrified of dying. I mean, a little—but the normal amount of “hey, I could die.” But what I was really terrified for was the part of the surgery when they were going to be moving the little wire ma bobbers around in my delicate and now very, VERY tiny (due to scar tissue) spinal canal.
And I wasn’t even worried about the lower one. The lower set of leads, well if they screwed that up and I could never walk again than HEY, I’ve been there, BEATEN that.
Yes, I could handle it. I could still take care of myself.
What kept me up at night absolutely petrified was being paralyzed from the neck down. I remember every bit of me that was stimulated by the electricity.
My neck…my fingers…my arms…sometimes even my chest… So to screw that up..to massively screw up that area….
You can imagine why I was not sleeping.
This year I saw what is wrong with the world in its mildest forms. Women getting hit and killed in a head on collision that they couldn’t see coming. A young girl taking her own life when it became too much—and her friends “liking” the status.
And then my own misfortunes.
So of course I was no longer the innocent little girl who was calmed when her parents said “It is all going to be okay.”
One person really made me feel better. And though it was not such a big thing to them, to me it was huge. I could breathe. I could sleep. Sleeping made my pain go down, made my heart race less, made everything… better.
No one gets that unless you’ve been sick. Stress makes chronic illness a billion times worse. I didn’t choose a billion lightly, I mean that.
I didn’t get to where I am now by keeping people in my life who stress me out. Seriously.
The minute someone begins stressing me out I step back. I delete them out of my life (quite literally, Facebook, Twitter, Phone, even though sometimes it is misplaced and then I am like “Idiot, that was stupid”).
I have no problem going my own way if I need to because I don’t want to have to depend on someone else, but I also welcome people who I care about and seem to actually care.
I really appreciate those people in my life who are awesome. And I don’t know if I tell them enough.
You people are awesome.
The point of this post is:
- Sometimes you’ve just got to know who to talk to.
- Make sure you let the people who are REALLY there for you know you appreciate them.
- When you are stressed always take a step back and think about “What can I do to solve this problem.” If it can be solved, solve it. If not, then don’t worry about it.
- Thank you to my people.
- Insomnia.
